Ok, so this is really really funny stuff, only because half of it is true. It may be a little offensive.......
Rules of the Labor and Delivery area...
1. Don't ask me if my wheel can tell you if you got knocked up on the 15th or 16th. That's too damn close to have two different partners anyway...just suffer for 8 more months, assuming the father is not the one it should be.
2. Bed rest does not include walking around Wal-Mart, or running by the mall to pick up something.
3. Don't come in the middle of the night because you've been throwing up for a week...and then ask me to get you something to eat. * People do this all the time! Seriously!
4. Breathing hard, and faking to your family like you are having contractions, WON'T open up your cervix.
5. Tears, and rolling around in the bed also will NOT open your cervix.
6. Doing sit ups while in bed to make the monitor go up ....also WIL NOT open up your cervix.
7. Until your cervix is opening....don't plan on staying.
8. If you have a fight with your boyfriend and need a little TLC...go to his mothers house, not the labor room. * Seriously! People do this all the time!!!*
9. If you are there with someone in labor, don't try to read the strip and tell me what's going on. YOU DON'T KNOW the difference between a contraction and a fart and you will likely piss me off and delay your loved one getting pain medication or her epidural.
10. When I ask the patient a question, that is who I want the answer from...ok? I don't need her mother to tell me when she had sex last.
11. This day and time, if a patient is between the ages of 37 and 42...she has had approximately 2-5 partners. If she is between the ages of 28 and 36 the average is 7. If she is in her early to mid twenties, then her age is how many partners she has had....If she is a teenager, then "too numerous to count" applies. ( and she has had or currently has chlamydia or trich.)
12. Open your damn legs. If you were a virgin you wouldn't be here.
13. Shave that shi*t. If we wanted to go to the jungle we would go there.
14. Clean you a** before you come in. Unless you have the umbilical cord hanging out, are in a serious accident, or are bleeding profusely, take time to wash up a bit...it is going to be on display.
15. You'd better be nice to your nurse. She, not the doctor decides when you get pain medication...There is such a thing as placebo. We can also make you wait the entire two hours...adding 45 minutes to our convenience...or we can give it to you 15 minutes early...it's all in your attitude.
16. The fewer visitors you have with you...the better mood your nurse will be in.
17. Get rid of that one "know it all" visitor before it is too late. She can ruin the entire experience for you by pissing me off.
18. If this is your 6th baby, either get the epidural before you come in, or don't plan on one!
19. Don't blame us when your baby can't say it's own name when it's five. Chances are, it was the cocaine you snorted in the parking lot before you were rushed in abrupting.
20. If your pulse is 50 when you come in...from all the downers you've been taking..chances are your baby will be several bricks shy of a full load...It's your fault, not ours.
21. When I ask if you smoke...you should include marijuana in that answer. Other things that should be included are hashish,crack, meth, and any other illegal drug you have smoked. Nicotine is the least harmful of all the crap you could smoke dummy.
22. Don't b*tch as us because you baby has to stay in the hospital until it is 2 months old, weaning off the methadone and morphine. Regardless of what the bullshit clinic says to you...methadone is NOT healthy for babies.
23. If you call us and say you're bleeding profusely, then I'd better see some blood when you come in. Do you know how many people we notify for sh*t like that?
24. Hard labor doesn't just stop with one bag of IV fluids. We know a faker when we hydrate one.
25. If you're an addict, we already have a preconceived notion about you, and we probably don't like you. Nothing personal...it's just the way it is. You chose that life, now live it.
26. Regardless of the fact that your neighbors sister's aunt had a baby at 30 weeks and it is perfect...that does not mean we're going to let you have yours at 30 weeks.
27. Your neighbors sisters aunts baby likely had to stay in the hospital for 6 weeks, and could possible have problems that you're not aware of...dumb dumb.
28. You'd better tell us if you're on a narcotic..trust me...we'll know soon enough...because our drug of choice is Stadol....ha ha
29. If you have track marks on your arm, NO YOU CAN NOT GO OUT AND SMOKE with your IV. What do you think we are? Stupid?
30. Don't scream. We hate screamers. It gets on our nerves and we just sit around at the desk looking at each other and grinning and making faces. It's not to you advantage.
31. If you don't have custody of your 3 other kids, chances are you won't go home with this one either. We ARE calling Social Services. That's our job.
32. If the baby's daddy is in jail, and he's still your boyfriend, we automatically assume "birds of a feather flock together."
Ok, so of course not all of these rules are true.....I would never withhold medication to a patient in need no matter how much her family got on my nerves. I don't care if you scream your head off....because I know it hurts....it does scare me a little though....and it reminds me of how close I am getting to feeling that pain! I also don't care if you have shaved or not!
Hope you all were entertained rather than offended!
paradise
happy hour
Xel Ha
snorkeling in a beautiful cove
swinging in a hammock 
getting all dressed up 
yard sized drinks 
coconut drinks 
time with the girls
Mexican culture
more happy hour
beach 