Rules of the Labor and Delivery Area (the truth about labor and delivery)

Ok, so this is really really funny stuff, only because half of it is true. It may be a little offensive.......

Rules of the Labor and Delivery area...

1. Don't ask me if my wheel can tell you if you got knocked up on the 15th or 16th. That's too damn close to have two different partners anyway...just suffer for 8 more months, assuming the father is not the one it should be.

2. Bed rest does not include walking around Wal-Mart, or running by the mall to pick up something.

3. Don't come in the middle of the night because you've been throwing up for a week...and then ask me to get you something to eat. * People do this all the time! Seriously!

4. Breathing hard, and faking to your family like you are having contractions, WON'T open up your cervix.

5. Tears, and rolling around in the bed also will NOT open your cervix.

6. Doing sit ups while in bed to make the monitor go up ....also WIL NOT open up your cervix.

7. Until your cervix is opening....don't plan on staying.

8. If you have a fight with your boyfriend and need a little TLC...go to his mothers house, not the labor room. * Seriously! People do this all the time!!!*

9. If you are there with someone in labor, don't try to read the strip and tell me what's going on. YOU DON'T KNOW the difference between a contraction and a fart and you will likely piss me off and delay your loved one getting pain medication or her epidural.

10. When I ask the patient a question, that is who I want the answer from...ok? I don't need her mother to tell me when she had sex last.

11. This day and time, if a patient is between the ages of 37 and 42...she has had approximately 2-5 partners. If she is between the ages of 28 and 36 the average is 7. If she is in her early to mid twenties, then her age is how many partners she has had....If she is a teenager, then "too numerous to count" applies. ( and she has had or currently has chlamydia or trich.)

12. Open your damn legs. If you were a virgin you wouldn't be here.

13. Shave that shi*t. If we wanted to go to the jungle we would go there.

14. Clean you a** before you come in. Unless you have the umbilical cord hanging out, are in a serious accident, or are bleeding profusely, take time to wash up a bit...it is going to be on display.

15. You'd better be nice to your nurse. She, not the doctor decides when you get pain medication...There is such a thing as placebo. We can also make you wait the entire two hours...adding 45 minutes to our convenience...or we can give it to you 15 minutes early...it's all in your attitude.

16. The fewer visitors you have with you...the better mood your nurse will be in.

17. Get rid of that one "know it all" visitor before it is too late. She can ruin the entire experience for you by pissing me off.

18. If this is your 6th baby, either get the epidural before you come in, or don't plan on one!

19. Don't blame us when your baby can't say it's own name when it's five. Chances are, it was the cocaine you snorted in the parking lot before you were rushed in abrupting.

20. If your pulse is 50 when you come in...from all the downers you've been taking..chances are your baby will be several bricks shy of a full load...It's your fault, not ours.

21. When I ask if you smoke...you should include marijuana in that answer. Other things that should be included are hashish,crack, meth, and any other illegal drug you have smoked. Nicotine is the least harmful of all the crap you could smoke dummy.

22. Don't b*tch as us because you baby has to stay in the hospital until it is 2 months old, weaning off the methadone and morphine. Regardless of what the bullshit clinic says to you...methadone is NOT healthy for babies.

23. If you call us and say you're bleeding profusely, then I'd better see some blood when you come in. Do you know how many people we notify for sh*t like that?

24. Hard labor doesn't just stop with one bag of IV fluids. We know a faker when we hydrate one.

25. If you're an addict, we already have a preconceived notion about you, and we probably don't like you. Nothing personal...it's just the way it is. You chose that life, now live it.

26. Regardless of the fact that your neighbors sister's aunt had a baby at 30 weeks and it is perfect...that does not mean we're going to let you have yours at 30 weeks.

27. Your neighbors sisters aunts baby likely had to stay in the hospital for 6 weeks, and could possible have problems that you're not aware of...dumb dumb.

28. You'd better tell us if you're on a narcotic..trust me...we'll know soon enough...because our drug of choice is Stadol....ha ha

29. If you have track marks on your arm, NO YOU CAN NOT GO OUT AND SMOKE with your IV. What do you think we are? Stupid?

30. Don't scream. We hate screamers. It gets on our nerves and we just sit around at the desk looking at each other and grinning and making faces. It's not to you advantage.

31. If you don't have custody of your 3 other kids, chances are you won't go home with this one either. We ARE calling Social Services. That's our job.

32. If the baby's daddy is in jail, and he's still your boyfriend, we automatically assume "birds of a feather flock together."

Ok, so of course not all of these rules are true.....I would never withhold medication to a patient in need no matter how much her family got on my nerves. I don't care if you scream your head off....because I know it hurts....it does scare me a little though....and it reminds me of how close I am getting to feeling that pain! I also don't care if you have shaved or not!

Hope you all were entertained rather than offended!

Enjoy it. Cherish it. Love it.

What exactly am I talking about? Well....I am talking about pregnancy! As a labor and delivery nurse I have no sympathy for the preggy lady that comes in and complains about how tired they are of being pregnant and how they are soooo uncomfortable and how they are soooooo ready to "get this f#cking baby out" right now! I don't really care how much "pressure" you're feeling in your vajayjay because you know what? I am feeling that pressure too and you know what, I am on my feet for 12 hours straight! I don't care that you are nauseated and vomiting....you are pregnant! You will have nausea and vomiting! I guess I should feel some compassion towards these women but it is really hard when you see and hear it day in and day out and you are living it. The other day we had a woman come in and complain of "chest pain". The doctors worked her up and everything came back negative.....but they decided to induce her. After she heard the words, "induce" her chest pain magically went away. She never complained of that pain again. So many women want to be induced and really it is not the best way to go. There are risks involved and I wish more women would be proactive in educating themselves about the risks of induction and risks of C/Sections. Women are scheduling C/Sections for "vaginal preservation". WTF? What about that big ass incision on your abdomen? or the risks of infection, hemorrhage, and injury to other organs just to name a few. If you need a C/S, that is one thing, but if you are scheduling one because it is "easier" that is another! Going into labor on your own is sooooo much easier! What I am trying to point out here is that pregnancy is not easy. Sometimes it is not fun. Sometimes it is uncomfortable. You got pregnant and you will be pregnant for 40 weeks. 40 weeks people. Not 37 weeks, not 38 weeks, 40 weeks!

This is my last pregnancy and I am enjoying every last minute of it. I am not saying that this pregnancy is easy. I am not saying that I am not uncomfortable because I am. I am saying that I am happy that I can carry a baby to full term, and that I am lucky too. I am lucky to even be pregnant. I am cherishing every minute of this pregnancy. Every kick, every nudge, every ache, every pain, every hiccup, every burn....I am loving it! I am so excited to see this new baby boy or girl. But, in the meantime.......I am loving the precious time this baby and I have to just ourselves. This pregnancy will come to an end. I am not going to be pregnant forever....... I am enjoying it, cherishing it, and loving it.

I only have about 9 more weeks to go. I cannot believe that!

It's all about Jacob!

In late February Jacob starred in a musical at school. Starred might be a little exaggeration....he participated! He did a great job! He really sang and he looked like he had a good time! It was soooo cute! He definitely was my star! The theme was ocean inspired and Jacob's class were the crabs.

After the show we were allowed to browse the hallways at school and view all the artwork the kids have been working on. It was nice to see the hard work they have been doing.

Jacob's works of art

Yesterday was Jacob's 8th birthday and we celebrated at Sake, a Japanese steakhouse. We had a great time together as a family. We had shrimp, lobster, fillet Mignon, scallops, fried rice, veggies, salad, soup, and as an appetizer California rolls. Everything was delish!

We surprised Jacob with a little singing of the birthday song. He was a great sport and he thoroughly enjoyed the cheesecake they gave him!

After dinner, we had an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen, SOOO GOOOD....... it was just a party of 5 but we sang really loud!

Happy 8th birthday my son!

First born

Today is Jacob's 8th birthday. It is hard to believe that I have an 8 year old kid! We are celebrating at Sake....a Japanese restaurant and ending it with some ice cream cake! I will post a recap soon!

FAILED!

I failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance test. To pass you need to be at 140 and under.....mine was 152....so not too awfully high.....but high enough where I am going to have to take the 3 hour glucose test, which in my opinion is pure torture! The last time I had to take that test I felt so horrible......fasting........drinking that awful 100 gm of liquid orange sugar..... and then getting your blood drawn 5 times in 3 hours is not my idea of a fine time....and what else am I supposed to do for 3 hours at the doctors office! I just hope I pass.....I do not want to be a gestational diabetic! Although today I felt like a diabetic. All at once I was sweaty, shaky, and hungry! I had to get some food in me fast or I was going to pass out. Yeah, it was that bad. I was hypoglycemic! For breakfast I had pancakes......no protein.....it is Friday and like a (good) catholic should.....I didn't eat meat....well, I think that is what did it to me! During my hypoglycemic moment, all that went out the window and I had some left over chicken curry and rice from this new Indian place we tried. That hit the spot!

My 27 week appointment went well. I gained another 4 pounds this month.....(sigh) but other than that everything has been going well. My heartburn has progressively worsened.....but the pepcid helps. I am at the point where I go to the doctor every 2 weeks now. I cant believe that I will be in my third trimester next week. This pregnancy is going by fast!

Where have you been?

I went to kickboxing class today and I must say it was fabulous! I had such a great time! The music was great and the class was full. I saw a few girls that I haven't seen in a while...... and they probably think..."omg....she has gained weight! It is a good thing she came back!"

Yeah, I am 6 months pregnant, but I look.....Fat. Yes, my stomach is bigger and rounder....but it is still flabby and soft. I look like a fatty. People would never know I was pregnant unless I told them I was.

I am really proud of myself for actually taking the initiative to go to kickboxing class. I modified the jumping jacks, power squats, and shuffles to low impact and still had a great workout. I felt pretty good during the whole hour......but now I am feeling sciatica in my left buttocks area....lol..but it reminds me that I am strong...and healthy enough to exercise...and that makes me feel better about myself. I am so used to being on a "diet" in the beginning of the year that I actually miss....being on a diet.....but pregnancy will not stop me from choosing healthy options and exercising......and it sure won't stop me from eating as much chocolate as I want either.....unless I fail my glucose test.....which is in a few days. Update on baby to come......

Blogaversary???

So, my 1 year anniversary of blogging has come and gone and I didn't even realize! I started on Feb. 8 last year.... time has flown. There are many things I really enjoy about blogging....it is kind of like a scrap book....a diary....a social network.........all tied together. It gives me a lot to look forward to. I love sharing my world and I love reading your world. Thank you for sharing.....and thanks for reading!